Hilarity in the Random Dungeon Finder

Story time!

I almost always queue with Pilaser and Tiglath in the dungeon finder, so they can get the benefit of my instant queues and I can be assured of both having a majority of the party and a healer/DPS that knows what they're doing. We find ourselves in Forge of Souls; not bad, trash is pretty light, bosses aren't very hard, and some good epics drop in there that Pilaser could use.

Upon zoning in, we find ourselves with a warrior and a hunter. They're both from different realms, and they both have names that aren't absolutely ridiculous, so I assume that we're going to have a pretty good run.

Everything goes well, up until we reach the room of death. 4 casters, in 4 opposites corners, vs. a bear tank that has no way of silencing=aggro hell. I type into party chat.

"Please only attack my target."

I charge. The hunter immediately opens up on the caster in the opposite corner from where I'm at.

/facepalm

The warrior, Pilaser, and I, proceed to burn down each one while Tiglath frantically works to keep the idiot hunter alive. When the pull is over, I ask:

"Hey, -Idiothunter-, why did you not attack my target?"

-Idiothunter-"If. You. Do. Not. Mark. I. Will. Not."

Ok. I don't know about you, but that pisses me off to even remember it. And apparently my beloved guildies agreed, because we votekicked that ***hole within the next 10 seconds. The warrior, wisely, said nothing.

It amuses me to think that someone refusing the follow the tank's instructions on a pull where aggro is difficult to handle has got the guts to try and call the tank out over not marking. I could have, sure, but I hope that attacking the mob closest to a giant pink bear isn't that strenuous of a task. And it was the FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT I. WILL. USE. PERIODS. AFTER. EVERY. WORD. that really made the red haze descend. I wonder if he didn't notice that three of the party members were from the same realm and guild and thus would OBVIOUSLY support each other.

Seeing "The vote to kick -Idiothunter- has passed." was extremely satisfying, however.

Shatterscale, The Tale of my Blue Protodrake

Well! This has gone through a lot of revisions, and I'm going to be changing it to first person and scrapping some of the WoW-specific stuff, so I'll be publishing this bit. Those of you that have slain Skadi the Ruthless will be very familiar with parts of this.

Without further ado, I present:

Shatterscale

He did not have a name; his kind did not need them. They distinguished one another by sight and sound and smell, and they did not need to be bound to a single, meaningless word. When he lived in the mountains and hunted the herds of wooly rhino, he liked the freedom of being nameless. The humans that came called him a dragon, but he merely thought of himself as one of the people.

A year before they came, he built his nest on the peaks that ringed the mountains, close to the highlands where his prey roamed and sheltered from blizzards. The flat claws on his feet let him easily hold to the stone, and he used his wings like arms to climb the wind-ravaged spires. He climbed as often as he flew; in the harsh winds it was often easier.

Like the others of his kind, the primal energy of the mountains was contained within him. It was not magic as humans thought of it, an art reserved to men with long grey beards. To his people it was as natural as breathing. The mist that wafted from his maw made the ones that came to the mountains think he was like his cousins in the south, the flame-snorters. His people breathed ice on their prey to freeze their blood and chill their hearts, and the one who became his master knew this.

His master came from the south, from the fjords near the coast. The land there was greener, but the ones that lived there were savage. They are humanoids, similar in form but twice the height of humans, much stronger but not as intelligent. They took the dragon after his first year in his nest. They bound his jaws and wings with ropes that burned and carried him away from his nest. They took his mate, as well, and his eggs, but his kin did not survive the journey back to the fjords. They brought him to what he perceived as their nest, put ropes in his mouth and tied a thing much like a saddle to his back. His master used his axe to show the dragon what he wished; to spit his cold fire down onto the ones that invaded the stone nest and to carry his master in battle. He did not want to do these things, he still grieved for his mate and children, but his master did not understand.
He learned to do what his master required of him in the moment that his master asked it. It was easier than resisting. The ropes in his mouth told him which way his master wanted him to fly. They hurt the tender flesh in his mouth, but he endured. The intruders to the stone nest killed his master’s kin, for they wanted the hard, bright things that his master kept safe. He hoped that the intruders would come deep enough into the stone nest to kill his master and set him free.

There came a time when he heard the sounds of new intruders. His master seemed worried; he paced back and forth down the place he was supposed to guard. It was a long corridor, open to the sky, that the nearest chamber opened into with a small passage, and the ones of his master’s kin here defended the stone nest from those that would fly in to assault it. There was a large platform on the end of the corridor, past a doorway on the left, where the things that the dragon’s captors called spear-launchers were. They were snarling metal creatures that spat at the air, operated by a few of the ones that kept him there. They were at them now, fidgeting as they heard what he heard.

It only took a few minutes for them to reach the adjacent room. He heard a bear’s furious roar as his master’s kin swarmed down on the intruders, then their death-cries. He flexed his wings, and his master climbed quickly to his back as the intruders came fearlessly through the door.

There were three elves, and a short thing with fur on its face. They all stood behind a fourth elf, a violet-haired woman that acted as if she intended to protect her fellows. He laughed at her bravery, and took to the air, rising up over the roofless corridor. He wheeled about and letting out a single growl of surprise as the woman leaped forward and changed into a bear. She charged into the flood of his master’s people that ran down the corridor, snarling with rage and laying all about her with claws that were nearly as impressive as his own. His own attempts to top them were pitiful in comparison as he dived down to breathe a long trail of blood-freezing mist along the corridor’s side. Almost as one, the intruders ran left and avoided it completely, fighting their way up to the spear-launchers, cutting down the guards as they came. The short thing took up the spears that the operators dropped, then stood there, waiting for some signal as his master’s kin came at them in waves.

He felt his master take up the ropes in his mouth, and he flew down to where the spear-launchers were. The short thing saw him coming and bellowed something before shoving one of the spears he had taken into one of the metal creature. There was a roar, and the dragon screeched in outrage. The spear-launcher had bitten his side, and he looked down to see a metal thorn embedded in his flank. He clamped his jaws around it and tore it away, shuddering at the taste of his own blood.

He fought to stay flying as the spear-launcher bit at him again and again. His master screamed and beat at him with an axe, not letting him flee from the short thing. It loaded one more, and this time the spear tore through his wing. He gave up, and his master leapt off his back as the dragon collapsed on the end of the platform, smashing one of the spear launchers under him and forcing the short thing to run for its life. He watched as his master struck at the bear (which turned to face him eagerly) and as his master finally crumpled under the intruders’ blows, his axe broken on the beast’s iron hide. The violet-haired woman reappeared, a savage grin on her heavily-tattooed face. He blinked at her and she seemed shocked, rising to her feet and exclaiming something in a tongue he did not understand before darting to his side.

He shied away from her as she patted his nose, a strange, tingling, itching feeling passing over him as her hands started to glow, the places where the spear-launcher had bitten him suddenly feeling much better. The woman took the ropes out of his mouth and ripped off his saddle. He stared at her as she nimbly vaulted onto his back and murmured in his ear.

“Fly, Shatterscale.” She said, in his own tongue. And so he flew, perhaps not to freedom, but with the strange, savage female that seemed so like his own people.

Shatterscale

I'm working on a short story for a writing competition, so I decided to use WoW as my inspiration. Specifically, Laia's blue protodrake mount, and Mr. Skadi the ruthless' fight in Utgarde Pinnacle. It was tricky to avoid all the copywrite stuf, but it's done now at the maximum limit for the contest I'm in; 1,200 words. I'll post it here if I can, but I need to check the rules first.

Anyways! I will post something...not...completely meaningless. Eventually.

Pulling Time

If I get begged enough, I may possibly record myself singing it.

Pulling Time- Pardoy of Lady Gaga's Poker Face

(m-m-m-ma) (4x)

I wanna hold em' like tanks do in icecrown, please
maul em', let em' hit me, taunt 'em, all mobs stay with me (I love it)
hardcore intuition, play the game with noobs to start
and after he's been pulled I'll break the deconstructor's heart

oh o-oh oh oh, o-o-o-o-o-oh
I'll keep aggro, show 'em what I know
oh o-oh oh oh, o-o-o-o-o-oh
I'll keep aggro, show 'em what I know

can't pass my, can't pass my
no, he can't pass my TPS
(he's supposed to kill somebody)
can't pass my, can't pass my
no, he can't pass my TPS
(he's supposed to kill somebody)

p-p-p-pullin' time, p-p-pullin' time
(m-m-m-ma)
p-p-p-pullin' time, p-p-pullin' time
(m-m-m-ma)


I wanna roll with heals, to do mass pulls for speed
a lot of agggroing is fun when you're with me (I love it)
raiding ICC is not the same without a wipe
and baby when it's raids, if it's not hard it isn't fun (fun)

oh o-oh oh oh, o-o-o-o-o-oh
I'll keep aggro, show 'em what I know
oh o-oh oh oh, o-o-o-o-o-oh
I'll keep aggro, show 'em what I know

can't pass my, can't pass my
no, he can't pass my TPS
(he's supposed to kill somebody)
can't pass my, can't pass my
no, he can't pass my TPS
(he's supposed to kill somebody)

p-p-p-pullin' time, p-p-pullin' time
(m-m-m-ma)
p-p-p-pullin' time, p-p-pullin' time
(m-m-m-ma)

(m-m-m-ma)
(m-m-m-ma)

I won't tell you that I rez too, buff or mark you
'cause I'm bluffin' with my gearscore
I'm not lying, I'm just puggin' to get mah two frost emblems (ma)
just like a member of ensidia, you'd better repair 'fore I kill ya
I promise this, promise this
invite this tank 'cause I'm marvelous

can't pass my, can't pass my
no, he can't pass my TPS
(he's supposed to kill somebody)

can't pass my, can't pass my
no, he can't pass my TPS
(he's supposed to kill somebody)

can't pass my, can't pass my
no, he can't pass my TPS
(he's supposed to kill somebody)

can't pass my, can't pass my
no, he can't pass my TPS
(he's supposed to kill somebody)

can't pass my, can't pass my
no, he can't pass my TPS
(he's supposed to kill somebody)

can't pass my, can't pass my
no, he can't pass my TPS
(he's supposed to kill somebody)


p-p-p-pullin' time, p-p-pullin' time
p-p-p-pullin' time, p-p-pullin' time
(I hope you're buffed and ready)
p-p-p-pullin' time, p-p-pullin' time
(m-m-m-ma)
p-p-p-pullin' time, p-p-pullin' time
(m-m-m-ma)
p-p-p-pullin' time, p-p-pullin' time
(m-m-m-ma)
p-p-p-pullin' time, p-p-pullin' time
(m-m-m-ma)

Stormrage, By Richard Knaak

My faithful semi-existent readers, out of my love for you, today I decided to indulge in a little masochism and read the new book of WoW lore by our favorite author, Mr. Knaak. I prepared for my session with large amounts of chocolate, and settled down.

And oh dear god, the horror. The unimaginable horror.

If you thought some of his other characters were just a bit unreasonable, poor Malfurion blows them all out of the water.

Spoilers! Spoilers!









He just about single-handedly saves the world from the Emerald Nightmare, rescuing Ysera, awakening and purifying the entire world with a rainshower, all after mind-controlling Brox's niece to save him from the Nightmare Lord by cutting down his evil, twisted tree form with Brox's axe...

Are you lost yet? This book is one of the most confusing, bewildering books that I have ever read. Even now I'm not exactly sure of the plot. All I do know is that for the 10,000 years that Malfurion and our favorite moon priestesss were together, they never got married. Talk about living in sin. And of course, at their wedding, the red and green Dragonflights appear to bless them and the World tree.

The revelation that Xavius was the hand behind the Emerald Nightmare was interesting, however, and that the Nightmare was growing within the heart of Teldrassis also made sense. The tone of the night elven starting quests announces that, as well as the strange plant abberations that you'll find around the area. That's not enough, though, it turns out the ruby-eyed satyr has an even greater master, one that hides under the Maelstrom...definately an Old God, then?

However nice these tidbits of lore might be, the writing was....kind of terrible, actually. It was a boring, with a monstrosity of a plot, and a story that in the hands of a competent author might have been interesting.

As it is, it was a waste of 2 hours of my life.

*Aspect of the Hare has critted Myheart for 13,450. Myheart dies.*

Way before I started blogging (which includes much of my life XD ) I would read Need More Rage, Aspect of the Hare, Big Red Kitty, and many other blogs faithfully, always much to intimidated by their sheer AWESOMNESS to ever comment. That holy trinity predominated over almost every other blog that I read. I loved them, felt a close kinship with their authors, and went back and read every post. Through their entire archives.

I get bored sometimes!

So it really struck a blow when Big Red Kitty hung up his Bestial Wrath macro and left us. I follow him as Brain Needed Space, of course, but it isn't the same. It's never the same as the old glory of that blog.

When Ratshag, whose glowing character RP I imitate in Adventures of a Casual, left the community as well, it refreshed that old sense of loss. The WoW blogging community had two brilliant members leave us, one for only a time, and one forever.

And now the last member of my Holy Trinty, the eternally lovable Pike of Aspect of the Hare, gave her readers this post.

I miss her already. And it is with all of my heart that I want to tell my fellow bloggers that no mattter what the people Gevlon call M&S dare to say about you, we readers will miss you when you are gone.

Don't worry, though, we will never forget you.

Postcards

Cryomancer Eyowyn Tidefire

"Greetings from the charming village of Dolanar. Fifteen-something Elders down, fifty to go. It's nasty, humid, and there's no good snow anywhere. I miss Northrend. So does Bubbles."










Liselle the Unbroken

"The Light of the Naaru is faint indeed in these lands. Villagers turned to savage wolfmen, terrible, barbaric acts committed out of desperation in these tangled woods. The Grizzly Hills have the shadow of old tragedy over them, but I will not be stopped. Nagasraka carries me well; her feathers are good camoflage against the snow. Be well, my friends."



Laia (Fang) Starwind

"Hmph. This is not unlike writing with the blood on my claws. Far less fun. Arthas' bouncer tastes funny. Like blueberries."



Talaia Blackpetal

"I rather like this holiday. Everything smells nice, and there's chocolate...oh, how I love chocolate. This dress doesn't show how fat I've been getting, does it? Heehee, if you tell anyone, I will rip out your tongue and feed it to the crows. Toodles!"



Hiemalis

"The healing arts come easier to me now. The path of flame and blood, the screaming bloodlust, it is still an escape from the world. Loosing myself in the rage of the elements distracts me from all that I have lost. Keeping life within others that I love, however, is a duty that I must not forsake. One day, my vengeance for what has happened to the Draenei will come to pass; for now, I immerse myself in the mysteries of what the Krokul have shown us. Bright future and good fortune, my kin."

I've Gone and Killed the Comments

The title says it all. Somehow I killed the commenting feature and I don't know how to fix it. If anyone could comment on a previous post and help me, that would be lovely.

Edit: Well, I killed the comments on some of the posts. Argh.

Edit 2: Woot, I fixed it!

Welcome back, my non-existent readers!

On the Lunar Festival and Tanking ICC

Well, Eyowyn is on her next step to her violet proto-drake, but the Elder Festival...it's a life-sucking excuse for a holiday achievement. There are 75 Elders scattered around the entire world that my poor little mage has to go chat up. And without a speck of gold on them, she has to ride her Moonsaber to every freaking corner of Azeroth to get the achievement.

I swear, only envisioning that 310% flying mount keeps me going. And even then, my spirits flaggerd after finding only aobut half of the elders of Northerend.

The part with Omen is cool enough, but Blizzard did a terrible job with the Lunar Festival.

Onto something my non-existent readers might find more interesting, I've tanked ICC a few times on Laia, as I've mentioned. It's fun; Blizzard did do a great job of making it feel like a huge citadel, filled with the shadows of a great man's descent into darkness. I've seen-


SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!


-the movie that plays after you kill Arthas, and it does touch my heart. I am sure many people disagree, but it was the last, tortured remnant of humanity in the Lich King that spoke his last words, those of a frightened little boy trying to cling to his father. I'm glad Bolvar still had a part to play- he is one of my favorite characters. The question of his intentions as a burned shell of a human is one that only Blizzard can answer, and I'm sure that they are going to drag out the waiting as long as they can.

I haven't ever tanked any other wings but the first, but I am looking forward to it. Laia is just shy of 5.2k gearscore, with 44k health, 30k armor, and about 43% dodge unbuffed, so I think that she'd be able to. I found Deathbringer Saurfang to be my favorite of the four fights in the first wing. The precise tank switching kept me on edge and concentrating intently throughout the whole fight. The ship battle was fun, too, but all I really did was pick up adds, so I didn't get to hop around on jetpacks. However, the idea of two goblin rockets strapped to Laia's furry behind left me giggling in my chair.

Lord Marrowgar gets my vote as the coolest version of Generic Skeletal Creature (TM), with his wheezing "BOOOOOONESTOOOOORM!" and the innuendo-filled achievement attached to him. Which I happen to have. Not a terribly difficult fight, at least to tank, but watching squishes run for cover is very theraputic. Lady Deathwhisper, on the other hand, is cofnusing to me even after putting her down, and I'm glad that the other tank usually instructs me when we get to her.

All in all, I like ICC. I can't wait to get to tank the other wings! And the Lunar Festival sucks.

Love is in the Daillies

Hi there, non-existent readers. Star Trek Online has seduced me away from WoW for the time (damn those Klingons) but not so much that I could forget my ultimate goal for my achievement main/ titles junkie, Eyowyn.

-Private thoughts last year-

I want the Violet Protodrake. And it WILL BE MINE. I mean, come on, a whole bunch of titles and a 310% mount to mock my guildies with? Excellent! Count me in!

What...almost every holiday is governed by the RNG? I can't get this last item for HOW LONG? THere's no way to get this other than luck?

No. Just no. I do not accept that you are taking my SHINY away from me.

/grumbles

Brew of the Month...meh....Flame Warden....god I don't want to do this!


But somehow I perservered. My awesomeness is probably part of that. Obviously. Ahem. So yes, this year I was determined to get my rime-coated hands on my pretty purple dragon. And the titles just started to roll in.

I went after Brewmaster with a gimlet glint in my eye and smashed through the daillies, forgoing the truly adorable pet so i wouldn't have to do another awful keg run. Hallow's End was far more stressful, but Lady RNG (Blessed be those that walk in her incalculable footsteps!) smiled upon her humble servant, and the Sinister Squashling was mine!

Winter's Veil was a lot easier, so far as I remember, the whims of our Goddess unable to touch me as I ran about making cookies and flattering dwarves that should really be on diets. But alas, fear struck my heart. Even Merrymaker Eyowyn quailed at the thought of Love is in the Air, the most horrifyingly RNG dependent holiday ever spawned.

And then Blizzard smote it with the Nerfhammer, and lo! There was light! Daillies, actually quite hilarious methods of picking up tokens and a mini storyline that I actually found interesting replaced the annual sexual harrassment scheduled for the guards of Azeroth. I finally had a guaranteed way to get all the things I needed for my acheivement.

So I went out and slaughtered bunnies. All's fair in love and...no. I won't say it.

Overall, a good holiday. The hearts constantly popping up got pretty annoying after awhile, though.

See you later, my non-existent readers!

PS: WAR!

How to Train your PUG: Part 3

How to train your PUG as a: DPS (Disposable and Probably Stupid)

Step 1. Go BEHIND the mob to DPS! This will save you from getting cleaved in the face, and the tank will appreciate it.

Step 2. Do not pull. As a tank, there is nothing that irritates me more than anyone pulling that is not me without explicit instructions. Hang back and let the massive, plate-clad warrior do his thing before throwing balls of fire at the mob's head.

Step 3. Since DPS are generally regarded as Disposable and Probably Stupid, you need to be even more firmly polite than a tank or healer when attempting to instruct your fellows. Not doing anything idiotic (see step 2) increases your chances of the group listening to you. Marginally. Oh, who am I kidding, there's about a 15% chance they are going to follow your instructions, a 5% chance that they will votekick you for speaking, and a 80% chance that they will simply ignore you and carry on. Hope springs eternal, though.

Step 4. Kindly whisper those that do stupid things. No matter how infuriating it is, unless they are another DPS, a private conversation will help keep the group from drama.

Step 5. Ask the tank if they want you to CC. I've been in charge of sheeping the Dark Adepts in the Forge of Souls since I started advertising my services.

Step 6. Be cheerful and mildly funny in party chat, if you can. If the other members feel some sort of bond with you, then the group is more likely to stick together after wipes and even for another instance! Even if you loathe them, try to keep the hate inside.

Step 7. Buff and rebuff. Throw out a fish feast if you have it. This will help the dungeon go by faster by compensating for poor player performance and may encourage other people to do the same.

Step 8. If you want to do an achievement, mention it before pulling the boss.

Step 9. Complimenting your healer is a wonderful thing that keeps your health bar nice and full. See, every healer has a priority list, and you want to be as close to the top as possible. Not dying=faster run=more loot.

Step 10. Ummm...

Anyways! See you tomorrow, and I'm going to talk about Love is in the Air (and the WoW holidays in general).

T-t-t-t-tankin'

Read this now while listening to Fergalicious. I command you.

How to train your PUG- Part Two

How to train your PUG as a: Healer

Step 1a. If you are geared and the tank asks about mass-pulling, tell him that you're ok with it as long as he can keep the mobs on him. Tell the DPS that if they pull aggro off the tank then they aren't getting any heals if they do so. However, if its o0bvious that the tank is really, truly terrible, feel free to keep the poor DPS alive.

Step 1b. If you are not "geared" (I consider over 4500 gearscore to be a very well geared healer and an undergeared healer to be around 3000 gearscore) and the tank starts pulling more than you can handle, ask him to slow down and explain that you can't keep him up with the amount of mobs hitting him. If he keeps pulling and he dies, then it is no one's fault but his.

Step 2. Suck up to the tank. Together, you are invincible, and the DPS will bow before you or risk another 20 minute wait.

Step 3. Withholding healing is a powerful tool for getting DPS to do what you tell them. By the 19th time they die a terrible, fiery death, they will learn to obey your commands.

Step 4. Make note of the DPS that protect you. They get extra heals so that they will be encouraged to continue to do so.

Step 5. Read Righteous Orbs. It's on my blog list. Now.*

Step 6. If in a long dungeon that DPS are likely to get lost in while running back, just rez the idiots. It's faster in the long run.

Step 7. ???

Step 8. Emblems and precious minutes of your life probably wasted.


*Not exactly helpful in training your PUG, but he is a great writer.

How to train your PUG- Part One

It occured to me to make this handy guide to -hopefully- better PUGs. Without further ado, How to train your PUG as a: Tank!


Step one:

From the get go, start sucking up to the healer. Compliment his/her skills, call him by his/her character name, do whatever you have to so that he/she will love you and feel needed. With the healer, you control the party absolutely.

Step two: Ask the healer if they're ok with a speed run, if you're going for that. Start your mass-pulling, if the DPS are idiots or the healer can't keep you up, sloooooow down.

Step three: Be polite, but firm, with the lovely breed of morons in your group.

ex: Forge of Souls, during the pulls with caster spread waaaay apart.

"DPS the skull so that you don't pull aggro off me."

"k"

"You didn't attack my target."

"lol i did"

"Then why did I have to chase after the -insert mob name here-?"

"bc ur a fail tank"

"Ok. Last warning, attack my target or I will let you die."

"lol kk"

Noob ignores instructions, the healer that you've been whispering to doesn't heal him, and he dies.

"WTF man!?!?!?!?!111"

"You didn't attack my target, so you died."

"lol u suck **** u"

Noob has left the party.

And all together, in Party chat!

"Thank god!"

======================================================

And you thought I was gone? Pfffft. Nevah XD

PS: Ratty is back! Go look at Need More Rage now and go through the archives. Ratshag is a genius.